Wake up. Work. Run. Study. Sleep. Repeat. This is my life
for the past year and I realized it wasn’t much different than most of my life
has been, well maybe plus or minus the run or study bit. It feels never ending
and it feels like all the hard work of studying (and possibly even the running)
has little to no payout. Goals for the year: pass CPA exam. Fail. Lose 5 lbs:
Fail, and I think I found 5lbs on top of the 5 I wanted to lose. Get pregnant:
Fail. Basically this entire year has been a year of failure, and to top it off
I pretty much lost all of my friends due to my lack of time to have friends.
Even my lifelong dream of going to Peru and seeing Machu Picchu was pretty much
an utter disaster, now I’m not saying boo hoo had a bad time in Peru poor poor
me by any means but my expectation didn’t really live up to what I got. The
saying goes you’re not trying if you’re not failing but I’m a bit over this
whole fail aspect. I’m pretty certain I can be taught a lesson on studying
hard, working hard and whatnot and pass the CPA and lose that now 10lbs just
fine getting it right the 1st time.
Now it’s all become draining, this routine isn’t working. Clearly
I’m doing something wrong, studying wrong, working out wrong, living my life
wrong that I just can’t seem to get things right; and this is wearing on me.
After backpacking the world I always thought my life was complete, that if I
died tomorrow I’d be like “oh well, I lived this life to the fullest and rocked
it’s pants off” but as those memories of those days are fleeting and I realize
I still talk about things that happened 4 years ago like they happened last
month I realized I’m lost. I should have everything I need, a husband, a loving
dog, a good enough job and a beautiful house in a nice neighborhood but I no
longer remember what I need, what I’m doing. This past year and a half since I
decided I should become a CPA has gone by quickly and with nothing to show
expected 3 passed test and 1 I’ve failed so many times I cry when I think about
it. My glory days are behind me, so what is there from here on out? What will
being a CPA give me that not being one gave me? Better career and pay? Is that
all there is too life? Better career and better pay normally also equal more
hours and less time off to enjoy life. Everything in my life has been a selfish
pursuit for me, and this world and this life is no better off for it. Will
anything I even do matter at all in 1 year? 5 years? 50 years? No. So why have
I wasted so much time failing on things? What is the purpose of any of this?
Don’t worry I’m not needing to read “Don’t Jump, Life is
Worth Living” just yet (let’s talk again in 2 weeks), I can only hope next week
I see a passing score so I can at least maybe have something more in my life
than a headache, a fat booty and no free time. So I guess until then: wake up. work. run. pretend to study. sleep. repeat.
